I'm so fucking centered right now
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
