if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
