I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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