i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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