Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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