I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
