I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
