I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
soo... how was my night?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
