I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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