Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
