he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
