I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
