this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
