OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
