I'm sorry my penis didn't work
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
