rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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