I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
