I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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