So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
