rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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