He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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