i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
