I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
