I can text with my tongue
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
