I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
