My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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