Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
