This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
