I need to stop coming to work sober
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
