Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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