i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize