You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
