I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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