You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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