I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
