You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
