You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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