My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
