I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
