So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
