I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
