apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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