how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
