you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
