This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
