Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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