Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
