mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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