gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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