What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
