I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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