I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
