yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize