Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
